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Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Zoe...my 4 day gift!

Here's a story about a silly girl named April who bought a chocolate lab on Saturday and who is interviewing her potential families this evening...Tuesday...4 days later!! Now that I look back on it, I really don't know how it happened. It was all kind of a blur...excitedness, fear, confusion...all running together in the moment.

The funny thing is that I thought I was ready...like, really ready. I had been thinking about it for months, even before I moved to Dallas. Monday night, I took her, Zoe, on a long walk and when I came back to the apartment, somewhere between cooking fajita meat and heating up rice, I just lost it. I broke down for the first time in a long time...I haven't cried in months...

I left and took her to a friend's house to get some perspective. I realized very quickly that I can't do this...have a puppy...wake up at 3 in the morning...sacrifice my time for her. It was the weirdest realization ever, because it was so not how I thought I was going to react. I love animals...I mean I used to want to be a vet.

I tried to figure out why it was so hard. It wasn't her...she's doing great...potty training, listening, sleeping in her crate...I just wasn't ready to be unselfish. I'm still trying to accept the fact that I'm not ready to give up my freedom...my nights out with friends till the wee hours of the morning...my sleeping through the night...my super clean house. It's been a rough 2o hours for me, but God showed me some pretty big things in the midst of it all.

1. As much as I wail about baby fever, I'm not nearly ready to be there.
2. I make too many decisions based on emotion.
3. I bought Zoe, because I am unhappy, sad and lonely and I thought she could change that, but I've got some conversations to have between myself and God about why I'm really unhappy.

It's funny sometimes how God uses very simple and innocent things to illuminate your deepest struggles. So, I'm counting Zoe as a gift, no matter how sad I am that I couldn't be what she needed. Pray I find a good family for her.

Till next time...
apes

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Awww, I'm sorry that you are sad. I know how you feel. Hang in there girl! I've made the same dog mistake like 3 times. (:

Jennifer-Colley said...

I have had numerous conversations with the Lord about unhappiness, etc. and I have realized that he is truly the one and only one who can fulfill my desires. It stinks thought that we can't find something else to fill that desire bc it is a lot easier sometimes than giving it to the Lord. I will be praying for you and praying that you find a good family for Zoe.

Jason and Stephanie Trook said...

I'm praying for you.

Leah Dooley said...

Oh Zoe!!! Olly would love to play with you and take care of you through the night...cause we know Olly doesn't sleep either. I hope you find a great home for her. We all make silly mistakes like that. We had to return a kitten to the pet store one time b/c Olly almost killed it. It's not exactly the same, but sometimes we just don't think straight....well, a lot of the times! It's ok. Love you!

Daniel Cooper said...

oh weed! I love you! Thats all I'm gonna say!

gingersnapsteph said...

Apes,
When I got Duke my puppy 3 years ago I bawled the next day and then freaked out because I didn't realize what I wa getting myself into. He stayed wiht me in Lubbock and even moved with me to Dallas, where finally one day after ruined, chewed up carpet he went to live with the grandparents back home in Midland. That decision was for the best!

That said, it's awesome that you realize what you were using to fill that void. God is not only your creator but your PERFECTER, and I'm praying right now that he restores your heart and mind and brings you back to a place of joy and rest in Him.!!