Thursday, May 27, 2010

Being Dethroned

It's been a while kids...I know. Seems like most of my posts this year have been intermittent at best. Here goes...we'll see if I still got it...

The past few months have been very interesting...steeped in transition. It has been one of the most refining times of my life thanks to many more lessons than I would have liked to learn all at once. But, looking back and still being in the midst of them, I feel unbelievably grateful and I feel like a new person.

For fear of this post becoming too lengthy, I will spare you the details, but to give you a glimpse into what I mean by new, I will say this and hope that it makes sense. I am a healthier April. I don't mean physically. I mean spiritually. The most noticeable change has been in my interactions.

For some time now, I have been battling with the monster that is co-dependency coupled with it's partner in crime, fear of abandonment. I realized quickly, thanks to a little program called Recovery at The Village, that the above two were crippling me.

It has been a very difficult process and I have a long way to go, but after 16 grueling weeks of sin illumination, acceptance and repentance, I've found a way to respond differently when confronted with those struggles. Now, the fall-out or rather fall-forward from the recognition of idolatry in my life has me in a healthier place. I can have healthy relationships without overbearing expectations and rash outbursts due to my countless insecurities.

The weird thing now is dealing with the new normal. Before, I felt overwhelmingly attached to a handful of people, in an unhealthy way and now, I feel overwhelmingly unattached to anyone. It's weird...trying not to revert, because it feels unnatural. Finding the middle ground has been the newest challenge. How much do I invest? Where do I invest? In whom do I invest? And at the heart of it all, how do I pull myself down off of the throne I've made for myself without feeling like I'm losing a part of who I am?

Because, let's be honest. If you know me, you know I'm deeply a fault...that's what got me in trouble in the first place;) But, I realized, somewhere along the way, I'd stopped using the tool I'd been given for His purpose and instead turned it on myself. I was self destructing by my own hand.

One day, it just clicked. My relationships were all about putting myself on a be be be popular. I'll tell you this...I didn't want to be dethroned, but I asked for it unintentionally...the Spirit interceded and made me ask for it. Now I feel like all those wasted moments spent trying not to give up "who I am" were actually masking "who I really was".

I've gone and made this post long as you suspected...I'm sure of it. But, right now, even though I feel directionless at times in these uncharted waters, I feel like the real me as I do it. It's a little glimpse of the person I'm intended to be for His glory and I'm sure in the years to come...nay, I pray in the years to come, that I'll keep laying aside the crippler's in my life and learn to walk without a limp.

I pray his dethroning of myself now everyday, because I know it's for my good. The first fall was a long way down for me, but hopefully the height of my throne will become progressively lower and the fall will be less painful.

Here's to being dethroned by His glorious grace.