Seeing without Believing

I love television and movies...particularly drama-based series...anything that involves scripted lives inter-mingling with unpredictable and sometimes catastrophic events. I've been thinking a lot about it, only because after watching such a program, I'm almost always left with a sense of inspiration.

Here's what does it for me. These people in their make believe lives always seem to be able to say exactly what they mean...even if they don't say it at first, they say it eventually. They're always so brave in their actions and more often than not, end up throwing caution to the wind in pursuit of those actions. Additionally, we, the viewers, are always optimistic that the beloved characters' lives will end up well, no matter how hard they get hit with the bad...no matter what unsurmountable mountain they must climb to get there...we believe...because of one thing...

HOPE. Hope that the survivors of Oceanic flight 815 will be rescued...hope that Meredith and Derek will live happily ever after......tear-provoking, adrenaline-pumping hope!

So, all that being said, here's what I've been thinking about. Why is it that in our own lives, especially as believers, we can set aside time every week to guzzle up all the hope we can in more than one television show or even a movie and yet not believe what we see? What I mean is, how are our lives not so much more hope-filled than these fictional characters' lives?

Why can't we see that hope for us has illuminated infinitely into faith? I've been more than a little convicted about this and hear me when I say that I'm not going to stop watching television...it's too fantastic. But, also hear me when I say that from now on I'll be watching it with my very own UN-FICTIONAL hope in mind.

So, the next time you see something that is of this world and it manages to move you in some way, believe...believe that what you feel at that moment is immeasurably smaller than what we we can feel when we simply cling to the fact that we believe in what cannot be seen!!

The Week in Short Blurbs

Every now and again, when I journal, I write down one sentence explanations for stories that will ultimately be better re-told from my mouth or re-envisioned in my mind. They are such crazy stories that written word could do no justice, simply because they need my animated ridiculousness paired with it. The following is such a list...

1. Drove to Ft. Worth alone to meet people I didn't know (and who could have possibly turned out to be crazy) to sell the four-legged chocolate love of my life of four days...
2. In an irritated trip to the apartment office to break my lease after 3 months, met another irritated resident who is suprisingly willing to sublet my apartment...
3. Freaked out for 24 hours from giving a stranger my apartment number and phone number...what was I thinking?!
4. Made my future roommate, Amy, come over to spend the night just in case I needed a witness to my death, because the strange other resident was coming over...
5. I'm still alive and so is Amy, although it was a little touch and go...

Zoe has a new home and Amy and I are going apartment shopping on Sunday...my parents would so not be proud of my trusting ways...

Zoe...my 4 day gift!

Here's a story about a silly girl named April who bought a chocolate lab on Saturday and who is interviewing her potential families this evening...Tuesday...4 days later!! Now that I look back on it, I really don't know how it happened. It was all kind of a blur...excitedness, fear, confusion...all running together in the moment.

The funny thing is that I thought I was ready...like, really ready. I had been thinking about it for months, even before I moved to Dallas. Monday night, I took her, Zoe, on a long walk and when I came back to the apartment, somewhere between cooking fajita meat and heating up rice, I just lost it. I broke down for the first time in a long time...I haven't cried in months...

I left and took her to a friend's house to get some perspective. I realized very quickly that I can't do this...have a puppy...wake up at 3 in the morning...sacrifice my time for her. It was the weirdest realization ever, because it was so not how I thought I was going to react. I love animals...I mean I used to want to be a vet.

I tried to figure out why it was so hard. It wasn't her...she's doing great...potty training, listening, sleeping in her crate...I just wasn't ready to be unselfish. I'm still trying to accept the fact that I'm not ready to give up my freedom...my nights out with friends till the wee hours of the morning...my sleeping through the night...my super clean house. It's been a rough 2o hours for me, but God showed me some pretty big things in the midst of it all.

1. As much as I wail about baby fever, I'm not nearly ready to be there.
2. I make too many decisions based on emotion.
3. I bought Zoe, because I am unhappy, sad and lonely and I thought she could change that, but I've got some conversations to have between myself and God about why I'm really unhappy.

It's funny sometimes how God uses very simple and innocent things to illuminate your deepest struggles. So, I'm counting Zoe as a gift, no matter how sad I am that I couldn't be what she needed. Pray I find a good family for her.

Till next time...
apes