An Undivided Heart

"Teach me your way, O LORD, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name." Psalm 86:11

The other day I read that in Hong Kong when you hand someone something, using one hand is considered rude. They always hold things with both hands. So, even in the smallest acts...handing over your credit card, your money, passing the salt...it is to be done with both hands. Multi-tasking is therefore diminished.

Throughout this season of unemployment, God has done a swell job of illuminating the sin in my life. Of the countless, one is multi-tasking. Alot of the multi-tasking that takes place in my life is in the every day tasks...applying for jobs, while having 2 or 3 gchat conversations, while making toast, while watching tv, while I send a text message and on and on and on and on. But, because of the daily habit I've created in the menial things, I've managed to carry it over into my spiritual life.

I find it hard to concentrate while I spend time with the Lord. Taking an hour of uninterrupted time (that I obviously have now thanks to no agenda) to spend time in His word and to spend time talking to Him has proven rather difficult. I'm constantly divided. My heart is in a million places at once....thinking of the coffee date I need to set up with a friend...about the email I need to send for my small group.

Keep in mind, that none of the things I've listed above are quote unquote bad. The things that I dwell on when I'm supposed to be spending time with Him are beneficial, but I've come to realize very quickly that they are in fact distractions. They are paths I use to run away without feeling like I'm running to far from Him as they are categorized in my mind in the genre of good deeds.

So many times, I come to Him with one hand, all the while holding on to something else in the other...something that will inevitably pass away as it is rooted in the flesh.

He longs for an undivided heart. I pray I long for it too.

apes

Peace

It is highly unlikely that my mom will read this, but I'm going to write it anyway. (See, Festa, sometimes I do just write it without the intention of it being read;) I just had one of the sweetest conversations with my mom. Usually, if we exceed 10 minutes, it turns into sweetness...guaranteed...and I forget that more often than not.

She is by far one of the Godliest women I know. Our conversation today began with the normal chit chat and quickly progressed into the two of us sharing exactly what has been on our hearts. For fear of this turning into a novel, I will just say, we are in the same place right now and God has been convicting us eerily of the same things. It is beautiful.

In 7 days, I will officially be unemployed. I've never been more at peace in my life.
Tomorrow, her and my dad are putting our house on the market. They have never been more at peace in their life.

I don't know what's going to happen. They don't know what's going to happen. But, this is freakin sweet. I feel God doing something really mighty in our family and preparing us for things to come. My peace is overflowing into joy now.

I'm pumped. Talk soon.

apes

Music for Thought

I really like Regina Spektor, but I'm really diggin her new cd in particular. There's a song on it that really got me thinking...Laughing With. Take a listen and read the lyrics along. See what you think.



No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one's laughing at God when they're starving or freezing or so very poor

No one laughs at God when the doctor calls after some routine tests
No one's laughing at God when it's gotten real late and their kid's not back from that party yet

No one laughs at God when their airplane starts to uncontrollably shake
No one's laughing at God when they see the one they love hand in hand with someone else and they hope that they're mistaken
No one laughs at God when the cops knock on their door and they say "We've got some bad new, sir,"
No one's laughing at God when there's a famine, fire or flood

But God can be funny
At a cocktail party while listening to a good God-themed joke or
Or when the crazies say he hates us and they get so red in the head you think that they're about to choke

God can be funny
When told he'll give you money if you just pray the right way
And when presented like a genie
Who does magic like Houdini
Or grants wishes like Jiminy Cricket and Santa Claus

God can be so hilarious
Ha ha
Ha ha

No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one's laughing at God when they've lost all they got and they don't know what for

No one laughs at God on the day they realize that the last sight they'll ever see is a pair of hateful eyes
No one's laughing at God when they're saying their goodbyes

Chorus

God can be so hilarious

No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one's laughing at God in a hospital
No one's laughing at God in a war
No one's laughing at God when they're starving or freezing or so very poor

No one's laughing at God
No one's laughing at God
No one's laughing at God
We're all laughing with God

For Festa

Have you ever stumbled upon something in your mind or heart that you can hardly believe came from anywhere inside of you? And realized that you've been subconsciously tucking such an idea in a dusty corner of your mind...below the ink smeared schedule...behind the box of familiarities...covered by a blanket of security? Well, it happened to me this week.

I was asked the question, "What do you want to be?" and it sort of jacked me up. I've have very little trouble answering the question of "Who I'm supposed to be", because the answer was given to me in a book, 66 chapters deep with influence and spirit-filled instruction. I know who I'm supposed to be like and I get that, but finding the medium I'm supposed to carry that out into has proven rather difficult.

To some degree, I believe we all lean towards something, but over time, I've recognized that my interests rarely lead in one direction. They are somewhat chaotic and dispersed throughout and the more I think about them, the more confused I become.

Then it happened...late the other night as it often does. Alone. Meddling in dissatisfaction and self-pity. I was prayer journaling and as I got into it, I simply wrote...I want to be whatever I'm supposed to be. Then I re-read it and thought, "Did I really just write that?". I know I did, but I didn't feel like it was any truth I'd spoken to myself before and that's how I knew it wasn't from broken and jacked up me...it was from Him.

It charged me up and made me let go of a lot of assumptions I've had about what I should be in this life. Who cares, right? If the first question of who I'm supposed to be is answered, why do I even need an answer for the latter? The hard truth is, I don't. I don't deserve it and He doesn't owe it to me. I should be content being whatever it is I'm supposed to be.

The small window He allows me to peer through on the off occasion is only available, because it is washed clear with grace. Sometimes it's murky. Sometimes it's not even there. But, it's okay and I'm finally okay with that...well, maybe not completely, but I'm on the verge.

Every menial task I've counted lost has been due to the pride I have in my own abilities. I'm not that great. We aren't that great. I'm where I am today, because I'm being what I'm supposed to be...right now...this minute...this second.

Talk soon.

apes

War Within

I am currently waging a war between FEAR and RESPONSIBILITY. The line between the two is blurring and I'm in the midst of a cloud of unprecedented confusion trying to be brave...brave enough to engage in a brutal standoff with fear in order to take the leap OR brave enough to strap on my knapsack of responsibility and stay safe.

Elaboration to come upon illumination.

apes

no room for complacency

It's 2:15 in the morning and I'm laying on my mattress that I dragged to the living room yesterday...camping in the living room is amazing! I've been packing for the last couple of hours, which seems ludicrous to do at such an hour, but leave it to my dear friend, "Procrastination", to pencil it in to my schedule. His friend, "Poor Planning" , came along with him, but I'm making the most of their company and in light of the stress of it all, I'm becoming rather sentimental as I often do when I pack up my life to migrate somewhere else.

I've actually managed to perfect an art of this task. As I've mentioned before, it is no stranger of mine, but as I toiled away this evening/morning I realized how unique my life has become due to the lack of consistency I've had in a place to lie my head.

Everywhere I move to, I have room for my bed, my clothes, my knick knacks I never look at, my toothbrush and with all that taking up space, I have no room for complacency....no room to be contented to a fault or self-satisfied and unconcerned (thanks dictionary.com for that def.)

I kinda love it...re-evaluating...taking a look at where I've been, who that's made me, what I want to be and where I'm headed. I love that it shakes me up in a refreshing way and that God teaches me something new and exciting every time. At 2:15 in the morning, if you can believe it, I had a revelation.

I need to make my mind and heart "move" every week, so that I don't create rooms for complaceny out of what were created to be chambers for His glory.

Here's to cleaning out the space between who I am and who He's intended me to be.

apes

Uh-mazing!

Words cannot describe...I was rolling on the floor laughing!