For Festa

Have you ever stumbled upon something in your mind or heart that you can hardly believe came from anywhere inside of you? And realized that you've been subconsciously tucking such an idea in a dusty corner of your mind...below the ink smeared schedule...behind the box of familiarities...covered by a blanket of security? Well, it happened to me this week.

I was asked the question, "What do you want to be?" and it sort of jacked me up. I've have very little trouble answering the question of "Who I'm supposed to be", because the answer was given to me in a book, 66 chapters deep with influence and spirit-filled instruction. I know who I'm supposed to be like and I get that, but finding the medium I'm supposed to carry that out into has proven rather difficult.

To some degree, I believe we all lean towards something, but over time, I've recognized that my interests rarely lead in one direction. They are somewhat chaotic and dispersed throughout and the more I think about them, the more confused I become.

Then it happened...late the other night as it often does. Alone. Meddling in dissatisfaction and self-pity. I was prayer journaling and as I got into it, I simply wrote...I want to be whatever I'm supposed to be. Then I re-read it and thought, "Did I really just write that?". I know I did, but I didn't feel like it was any truth I'd spoken to myself before and that's how I knew it wasn't from broken and jacked up me...it was from Him.

It charged me up and made me let go of a lot of assumptions I've had about what I should be in this life. Who cares, right? If the first question of who I'm supposed to be is answered, why do I even need an answer for the latter? The hard truth is, I don't. I don't deserve it and He doesn't owe it to me. I should be content being whatever it is I'm supposed to be.

The small window He allows me to peer through on the off occasion is only available, because it is washed clear with grace. Sometimes it's murky. Sometimes it's not even there. But, it's okay and I'm finally okay with that...well, maybe not completely, but I'm on the verge.

Every menial task I've counted lost has been due to the pride I have in my own abilities. I'm not that great. We aren't that great. I'm where I am today, because I'm being what I'm supposed to be...right now...this minute...this second.

Talk soon.

apes

War Within

I am currently waging a war between FEAR and RESPONSIBILITY. The line between the two is blurring and I'm in the midst of a cloud of unprecedented confusion trying to be brave...brave enough to engage in a brutal standoff with fear in order to take the leap OR brave enough to strap on my knapsack of responsibility and stay safe.

Elaboration to come upon illumination.

apes

no room for complacency

It's 2:15 in the morning and I'm laying on my mattress that I dragged to the living room yesterday...camping in the living room is amazing! I've been packing for the last couple of hours, which seems ludicrous to do at such an hour, but leave it to my dear friend, "Procrastination", to pencil it in to my schedule. His friend, "Poor Planning" , came along with him, but I'm making the most of their company and in light of the stress of it all, I'm becoming rather sentimental as I often do when I pack up my life to migrate somewhere else.

I've actually managed to perfect an art of this task. As I've mentioned before, it is no stranger of mine, but as I toiled away this evening/morning I realized how unique my life has become due to the lack of consistency I've had in a place to lie my head.

Everywhere I move to, I have room for my bed, my clothes, my knick knacks I never look at, my toothbrush and with all that taking up space, I have no room for complacency....no room to be contented to a fault or self-satisfied and unconcerned (thanks dictionary.com for that def.)

I kinda love it...re-evaluating...taking a look at where I've been, who that's made me, what I want to be and where I'm headed. I love that it shakes me up in a refreshing way and that God teaches me something new and exciting every time. At 2:15 in the morning, if you can believe it, I had a revelation.

I need to make my mind and heart "move" every week, so that I don't create rooms for complaceny out of what were created to be chambers for His glory.

Here's to cleaning out the space between who I am and who He's intended me to be.

apes

Uh-mazing!

Words cannot describe...I was rolling on the floor laughing!

this sweater is itchy.

It's been a while...my somewhat uninteresting life has left me zero inspiration for a worthwhile post. Thankfully, I feel as though the month-long hiatus is officially over.

This weekend, Lily, the mini-daschund that lives with me(see other posts for a more in-depth look into her ridiculous cuteness), has wanted nothing more than to cuddle up as close as possible and in the most uncomfortable positions at that in order to simply be near you as she sleeps. This got me chewing on a metaphor as I currently feel I'm being thrust into an "uncomfortable" time in my life...by uncomfortable, I mean out of the norm...allow me to elaborate.

I must assume now as my roommate has officially signed a lease for her and her fiance, that it is my undeniable lot in life to be a gypsy (one inclined to a nomadic, unconventional way of life). That's right kids, April must move again and this my friends if you can believe it will be the 12th time I've had to move in the past 5 years. This is making me uncomfortable. Perhaps this go around, I'll narrow my list of candidates to the absolutely un-marriable...no, un-datable...even better! Just kidding...but seriously!

Squeezed in between my worrying about where to live and who to live with if that, I've had to worry about a recent pay cut at work and some other transitions that have managed to weasle their way in to the good ol' worry machine.

Needless to say, but I'm gonna say it anyway...there is alot of junk changing. Back to the metaphor...I realized as Lily layed there in the most uncomfortable of positions, how unbelievably peacefully she was sleeping simply because she was near me...nay, near someone who takes care of her.

I need to be Lily in this scenario and the "me" in this methaphor is and always should be God. Call it an "after school special" moment, but it became clear to me that I haven't been resting peacefully in my provider's arms. Regardless of how uncomfortable my position may be, it shouldn't matter, because I get to be near the God of the Universe, right?!

Right!!

Looking forward to some peaceful sleep.

apes

Doctor Apes to the Rescue

So,Lily has abusive relationships with all of her toys...case in point, Raff-e, her giraffe. Many a time, I've had to sew up gashes in Monkey or Piggy. Raff-e has even had a couple of surgeries, but this weekend Lily took her Chris Brown actin' self to a new level. Raff-e's leg was hangin' on by a mere thread and I tried desperately to save the leg as Lily looked on in anticipation. 2 minutes of stitching later and I had to make the call...the leg would have to go. The emergency amputation was a sucess...Raff-e is now the new and improved, 3-legged giraffe and from the looks of it, Lily has no intention of keeping any of his other limbs intact!

Raff-e in surgery


Lily patiently waiting for Raff-e to recover


The happy patient...till he's attacked again!


Happy Lily...up to her abusive behavior again...I guess Raff-e deserves it for his relentless squeaking:)



Dr. Apes

Are we all being punked?

Countless times over the past couple of weeks, I keep thinking Ashton Kutcher himself is about to pop out of Octomom's belly to tell me that I'm being punked! The words, "You've got to be kidding me" have come out of my mouth more times than babies have come out of Octomom...okay, okay enough with the Octomom.

But, seriously, The Bachelor....you've got be kidding me!! Unbelievably ridiculous...how dare ABC distract me with it's Deanna embellished promos to trick me into believing that because Jason was done wrong, he has the right to do wrong. I wanted to whisper something under my breath too Melissa!!

Joaquin, seriously...no one believes you are quitting acting to become a rapper. You are walking the line between just plain ridiculous and seriously drugged up....you've got to be kidding me. Octomom...nuff said...I referred to her already. And, last, but certainly not least, Latreasa Goodman...calling 911 3 times to report a crime because you didn't get your chicken mcnuggets...YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! In case you haven't heard about this one folks, it's a doosy....I have the audio video here...




"She are the manager"...oh geez.

apes