Diary of a Logophile

Being Dethroned

2010-05-27T21:13:00.000-07:00

It's been a while kids...I know. Seems like most of my posts this year have been intermittent at best. Here goes...we'll see if I still got it...

The past few months have been very interesting...steeped in transition. It has been one of the most refining times of my life thanks to many more lessons than I would have liked to learn all at once. But, looking back and still being in the midst of them, I feel unbelievably grateful and I feel like a new person.

For fear of this post becoming too lengthy, I will spare you the details, but to give you a glimpse into what I mean by new, I will say this and hope that it makes sense. I am a healthier April. I don't mean physically. I mean spiritually. The most noticeable change has been in my interactions.

For some time now, I have been battling with the monster that is co-dependency coupled with it's partner in crime, fear of abandonment. I realized quickly, thanks to a little program called Recovery at The Village, that the above two were crippling me.

It has been a very difficult process and I have a long way to go, but after 16 grueling weeks of sin illumination, acceptance and repentance, I've found a way to respond differently when confronted with those struggles. Now, the fall-out or rather fall-forward from the recognition of idolatry in my life has me in a healthier place. I can have healthy relationships without overbearing expectations and rash outbursts due to my countless insecurities.

The weird thing now is dealing with the new normal. Before, I felt overwhelmingly attached to a handful of people, in an unhealthy way and now, I feel overwhelmingly unattached to anyone. It's weird...trying not to revert, because it feels unnatural. Finding the middle ground has been the newest challenge. How much do I invest? Where do I invest? In whom do I invest? And at the heart of it all, how do I pull myself down off of the throne I've made for myself without feeling like I'm losing a part of who I am?

Because, let's be honest. If you know me, you know I'm deeply relational...to a fault...that's what got me in trouble in the first place;) But, I realized, somewhere along the way, I'd stopped using the tool I'd been given for His purpose and instead turned it on myself. I was self destructing by my own hand.

One day, it just clicked. My relationships were all about putting myself on a throne...to be adored...to be liked...to be popular. I'll tell you this...I didn't want to be dethroned, but I asked for it unintentionally...the Spirit interceded and made me ask for it. Now I feel like all those wasted moments spent trying not to give up "who I am" were actually masking "who I really was".

I've gone and made this post long as you suspected...I'm sure of it. But, right now, even though I feel directionless at times in these uncharted waters, I feel like the real me as I do it. It's a little glimpse of the person I'm intended to be for His glory and I'm sure in the years to come...nay, I pray in the years to come, that I'll keep laying aside the crippler's in my life and learn to walk without a limp.

I pray his dethroning of myself now everyday, because I know it's for my good. The first fall was a long way down for me, but hopefully the height of my throne will become progressively lower and the fall will be less painful.

Here's to being dethroned by His glorious grace.

apes

The Pourer

2010-03-22T19:12:00.000-07:00

There is an oozing gash on my chamber-filled piece of pulsating flesh
That pumping time piece that pushes liquid back and fresh.

The open-ended wound causing all sorts of being to being back-lash
That metaphorical salt being poured on at rates of more than a dash.

To cushion the sting, I seek for a nude plastic piece of tape colored in blame
But as soon as the horse drawn liquid takes hold, I rip it off and fan the flame.

"Pourer, pourer, you're such a pourer!", I shout at the Id
As I drape myself in Morton and walk about without a lid.

The incision eroding ever so slightly with each crashing string of letters
Soon enough it will be so deep, they'll be no sign of it getting better.

One 24 of 365, I'll teach myself to use the clamps and then stitch
To keep the me bolted in tight, out of the way of reaching the itch.

For when the phalanges finally inch-worm their way to the gaping hole
They'll find a red carrier, strangle it and then reach for the soul.

Therefore, the me must be banished, exiled of the will
So the divide between parts can re-bond and finally heal.

Making God your Garmin

2010-02-28T13:35:00.000-08:00

"If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading." Lao Tzu

I'm not a Taoist, so don't misunderstand the above quote as a declaration of belief. It just brought some clarity.

Before Garmin or TomTom, there was Mapquest. Before that, navigation usually took the form of almost indecipherable words written down on a crumpled piece of paper half eaten by time that you found in the back seat of your car. And even farther back than that...think a wagon on The Oregon Trail with your kid almost dying from Typhoid...navigation came mostly from memory in the form of the recognition of signs along the way.

More often than not, I'm not sure I'm even lost until well off the beaten track. It's when I see nothing of familiarity...no landmarks of reassurance. On this roadway, path, highway (whatever you wanna call it) of life, we too often miss the signs along the way when we are heading in the wrong direction. Why??

Personally, I see a few reasons.
1. Denial. Denial that you could ever be wrong or lost.
2. Pride. Pride in your own ability to get somewhere without any help along the way.
3. Distraction. Distracted by the noise around you, that of differing opinions and advice.
4. Stubbornness. The hesitance to change course.

The last one is most convicting in my life, because I do it ALL the time. I think to myself, "If I just go a little further, just a little bit further, maybe THIS course will just turn into the right one", even though my gut always tells me otherwise. The signs are clear, but I choose to ignore them.

Today as I write this, I'm in the aftermath of a course change. And, let me tell you, I'm taking everything into consideration now. I'm looking at the path I was headed down and recognizing the utter ridiculousness of it. I feel like I can see the signs clearer now thanks to the experience of the road most taken.

Without going into details about what spawned this course change, I will just say that it took an immense amount of letting go to take the initiative to turn that wheel. The two hardest parts of changing course are the letting go and the not looking back. The last is probably the harder of the two.

Change is never easy, but being comfortable is not a call on our lives as believers. We were meant to struggle and persevere and come out on the other side changed for the better...sanctification. By warring against the change, I was blockading sanctification. In this particular instance, God turned the wheel for me, but I'm praying that in the future, when He asks me to drive a different direction, I'll be obedient enough to turn around the first time He asks.

apes

Rain Down on Me

2010-01-28T13:28:00.000-08:00

In 27 years of life, I've learned this one thing to be true...the greatest of my lessons are learned amidst the storm.

I can move my head ever so slighty to the right and see the drops falling at this very minute through the tattered window and the drops are but a physical manifestation of the metaphorical storm I find myself in. The clouds began to form months ago, but just sparce enough to allow for a ray here and there to hit my face with a burst of life. The clouds have become noticably denser and I find myself in the eye of the storm now.

I think storms can take different forms. For some it is soaked in hardship. For some it is soaked in loss. For me, at this moment, it is a trifecta of the two aforementioned and this...the one soaked in and unwillingness to change. It's funny how the clouds tend to illuminate the darkness. That's where I am right now. The darkest parts of my heart are being illuminated and it hurts.

However painful any storm may be, it's a sweet release to watch the rain fall. It reminds me of the cliche metaphors...as much as I hate cliches, cliches wouldn't be cliches if they weren't somewhat true, right?! Okay, so cliche metaphors...tears, cleansing, washing away the old, etc. You get the point. However, if you sit for a just a minute and let the rain hit your face;), you recognize other intensely beautiful things about it...

Rain is a symbol of the renewal of life, a promise of survival and most importantly a reminder of God's mercy. Water is the life source. If storms never came, we wouldn't be able to survive. Drought would ensue. Storms are necessary. And at any moment, God could let the rain be a danger to us, but he promised he would never again do that after Noah. When he lets it rain, it's a reminder that He is merciful always. He has the power to take us at any moment through an inescapable flood, but He doesn't. He is a merciful Father.

He let's it rain just long enough for us to recognize how small we are, how sinful we are, how out of control we are and at the root of it all, He gives us hope that the sun will shine again if we will just wait out the storm.

Waiting it out...
apes

A Refining Fire

2009-12-01T12:30:00.000-08:00

My church, The Village Church, is going through a refining fire right now. Matt Chandler, the lead pastor, had a seizure on Thanksgiving, fell, hit is head and had to go to the hospital. They found a small mass in his frontal lobe. He is either on his way or currently at the neurosurgeon's office right now. I can't express to you what's happening in our church right now...amongst my friend's whom I walk with on a daily basis...in myself. We are being refined. We are waiting. We are praying. Please pray for the Chandler family. Here is a letter written from the elders of our church addressing Matt's current situation.

http://www.facebook.com/notes/what-god-is-doing-at-the-village-church/from-our-elders-concerning-matt-and-his-health/185457443946

apes

Shepherding Well

2009-11-09T21:26:00.000-08:00

It's been nearly 2 months since I last blogged and a lot has been going on, but the most notable to date has been the explosion of people wanting to plug in at The Village. A couple of months ago, I had 27 women sign up to be in my small group...that's in addition to the 10 women I already had. Needless to say, I was a little overwhelmed. It's running closer to 20-25 now, but I had no idea how I was going to tackle leading a group that size.

As of now, it's still a trial and error situation, but it has gotten easier as the weeks go by. Last week, Matt said something in regards to shepherding and it really hit me. "When you are shepherding a flock, the role of the shepherd is not to be in the middle with the happy sheep, but on the outskirts with the sheep in danger".

I have to be honest, it stung a little. I haven't been doing a very good job of corralling the sheep in danger, i.e. those struggling the most. And even more than that, I like to stay in the middle with the happy sheep, the ones that aren't in need of repentence, at least at the moment. Jesus addresses this in a parable in Luke 15 charging us to go after that one sheep that is inching farther away and closer to the false prophets dressed in sheep's clothing that He mentions in Matthew 7:15.

It's changed the way I look at my group and at the world as a whole. I get so caught up in the sweetness of community...in my bubble that I don't go after the lost sheep. It's hard to admit that staying in the flock is fun. It's easy. It's comfortable.

I'm a happy sheep...wait, ewe? Whatever, I'm happy, but there are others who are not, who need to be reconciled to Him. And, it's my job...nay, my responsibility as a believer. When was the last time you left the flock to chase down a sheep going astray? When was the last time you ached for the soul of another? It will refine the mess out of you and I speak from experience.

Shepherding is difficult, but it is something we have all been called to on some level...to lay down ourselves for the sake of another.

apes

An Undivided Heart

2009-09-13T12:49:00.001-07:00

"Teach me your way, O LORD, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name." Psalm 86:11

The other day I read that in Hong Kong when you hand someone something, using one hand is considered rude. They always hold things with both hands. So, even in the smallest acts...handing over your credit card, your money, passing the salt...it is to be done with both hands. Multi-tasking is therefore diminished.

Throughout this season of unemployment, God has done a swell job of illuminating the sin in my life. Of the countless, one is multi-tasking. Alot of the multi-tasking that takes place in my life is in the every day tasks...applying for jobs, while having 2 or 3 gchat conversations, while making toast, while watching tv, while I send a text message and on and on and on and on. But, because of the daily habit I've created in the menial things, I've managed to carry it over into my spiritual life.

I find it hard to concentrate while I spend time with the Lord. Taking an hour of uninterrupted time (that I obviously have now thanks to no agenda) to spend time in His word and to spend time talking to Him has proven rather difficult. I'm constantly divided. My heart is in a million places at once....thinking of the coffee date I need to set up with a friend...about the email I need to send for my small group.

Keep in mind, that none of the things I've listed above are quote unquote bad. The things that I dwell on when I'm supposed to be spending time with Him are beneficial, but I've come to realize very quickly that they are in fact distractions. They are paths I use to run away without feeling like I'm running to far from Him as they are categorized in my mind in the genre of good deeds.

So many times, I come to Him with one hand, all the while holding on to something else in the other...something that will inevitably pass away as it is rooted in the flesh.

He longs for an undivided heart. I pray I long for it too.

apes

Peace

2009-08-21T13:22:00.000-07:00

It is highly unlikely that my mom will read this, but I'm going to write it anyway. (See, Festa, sometimes I do just write it without the intention of it being read;) I just had one of the sweetest conversations with my mom. Usually, if we exceed 10 minutes, it turns into sweetness...guaranteed...and I forget that more often than not.

She is by far one of the Godliest women I know. Our conversation today began with the normal chit chat and quickly progressed into the two of us sharing exactly what has been on our hearts. For fear of this turning into a novel, I will just say, we are in the same place right now and God has been convicting us eerily of the same things. It is beautiful.

In 7 days, I will officially be unemployed. I've never been more at peace in my life.
Tomorrow, her and my dad are putting our house on the market. They have never been more at peace in their life.

I don't know what's going to happen. They don't know what's going to happen. But, this is freakin sweet. I feel God doing something really mighty in our family and preparing us for things to come. My peace is overflowing into joy now.

I'm pumped. Talk soon.

apes

Music for Thought

2009-08-07T09:34:00.000-07:00

I really like Regina Spektor, but I'm really diggin her new cd in particular. There's a song on it that really got me thinking...Laughing With. Take a listen and read the lyrics along. See what you think.

No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one's laughing at God when they're starving or freezing or so very poor

No one laughs at God when the doctor calls after some routine tests
No one's laughing at God when it's gotten real late and their kid's not back from that party yet

No one laughs at God when their airplane starts to uncontrollably shake
No one's laughing at God when they see the one they love hand in hand with someone else and they hope that they're mistaken
No one laughs at God when the cops knock on their door and they say "We've got some bad new, sir,"
No one's laughing at God when there's a famine, fire or flood

But God can be funny
At a cocktail party while listening to a good God-themed joke or
Or when the crazies say he hates us and they get so red in the head you think that they're about to choke

God can be funny
When told he'll give you money if you just pray the right way
And when presented like a genie
Who does magic like Houdini
Or grants wishes like Jiminy Cricket and Santa Claus

God can be so hilarious
Ha ha
Ha ha

No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one's laughing at God when they've lost all they got and they don't know what for

No one laughs at God on the day they realize that the last sight they'll ever see is a pair of hateful eyes
No one's laughing at God when they're saying their goodbyes

Chorus

God can be so hilarious

No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one's laughing at God in a hospital
No one's laughing at God in a war
No one's laughing at God when they're starving or freezing or so very poor

No one's laughing at God
No one's laughing at God
No one's laughing at God
We're all laughing with God

For Festa

2009-07-28T13:34:00.000-07:00

Have you ever stumbled upon something in your mind or heart that you can hardly believe came from anywhere inside of you? And realized that you've been subconsciously tucking such an idea in a dusty corner of your mind...below the ink smeared schedule...behind the box of familiarities...covered by a blanket of security? Well, it happened to me this week.

I was asked the question, "What do you want to be?" and it sort of jacked me up. I've have very little trouble answering the question of "Who I'm supposed to be", because the answer was given to me in a book, 66 chapters deep with influence and spirit-filled instruction. I know who I'm supposed to be like and I get that, but finding the medium I'm supposed to carry that out into has proven rather difficult.

To some degree, I believe we all lean towards something, but over time, I've recognized that my interests rarely lead in one direction. They are somewhat chaotic and dispersed throughout and the more I think about them, the more confused I become.

Then it happened...late the other night as it often does. Alone. Meddling in dissatisfaction and self-pity. I was prayer journaling and as I got into it, I simply wrote...I want to be whatever I'm supposed to be. Then I re-read it and thought, "Did I really just write that?". I know I did, but I didn't feel like it was any truth I'd spoken to myself before and that's how I knew it wasn't from broken and jacked up me...it was from Him.

It charged me up and made me let go of a lot of assumptions I've had about what I should be in this life. Who cares, right? If the first question of who I'm supposed to be is answered, why do I even need an answer for the latter? The hard truth is, I don't. I don't deserve it and He doesn't owe it to me. I should be content being whatever it is I'm supposed to be.

The small window He allows me to peer through on the off occasion is only available, because it is washed clear with grace. Sometimes it's murky. Sometimes it's not even there. But, it's okay and I'm finally okay with that...well, maybe not completely, but I'm on the verge.

Every menial task I've counted lost has been due to the pride I have in my own abilities. I'm not that great. We aren't that great. I'm where I am today, because I'm being what I'm supposed to be...right now...this minute...this second.

Talk soon.

apes

War Within

2009-07-09T13:25:00.000-07:00

I am currently waging a war between FEAR and RESPONSIBILITY. The line between the two is blurring and I'm in the midst of a cloud of unprecedented confusion trying to be brave...brave enough to engage in a brutal standoff with fear in order to take the leap OR brave enough to strap on my knapsack of responsibility and stay safe.

Elaboration to come upon illumination.

apes

no room for complacency

2009-06-11T00:11:00.000-07:00

It's 2:15 in the morning and I'm laying on my mattress that I dragged to the living room yesterday...camping in the living room is amazing! I've been packing for the last couple of hours, which seems ludicrous to do at such an hour, but leave it to my dear friend, "Procrastination", to pencil it in to my schedule. His friend, "Poor Planning" , came along with him, but I'm making the most of their company and in light of the stress of it all, I'm becoming rather sentimental as I often do when I pack up my life to migrate somewhere else.

I've actually managed to perfect an art of this task. As I've mentioned before, it is no stranger of mine, but as I toiled away this evening/morning I realized how unique my life has become due to the lack of consistency I've had in a place to lie my head.

Everywhere I move to, I have room for my bed, my clothes, my knick knacks I never look at, my toothbrush and with all that taking up space, I have no room for complacency....no room to be contented to a fault or self-satisfied and unconcerned (thanks dictionary.com for that def.)

I kinda love it...re-evaluating...taking a look at where I've been, who that's made me, what I want to be and where I'm headed. I love that it shakes me up in a refreshing way and that God teaches me something new and exciting every time. At 2:15 in the morning, if you can believe it, I had a revelation.

I need to make my mind and heart "move" every week, so that I don't create rooms for complaceny out of what were created to be chambers for His glory.

Here's to cleaning out the space between who I am and who He's intended me to be.

apes

Uh-mazing!

2009-05-04T14:07:00.001-07:00

Words cannot describe...I was rolling on the floor laughing!

this sweater is itchy.

2009-04-20T20:58:00.000-07:00

It's been a while...my somewhat uninteresting life has left me zero inspiration for a worthwhile post. Thankfully, I feel as though the month-long hiatus is officially over.

This weekend, Lily, the mini-daschund that lives with me(see other posts for a more in-depth look into her ridiculous cuteness), has wanted nothing more than to cuddle up as close as possible and in the most uncomfortable positions at that in order to simply be near you as she sleeps. This got me chewing on a metaphor as I currently feel I'm being thrust into an "uncomfortable" time in my life...by uncomfortable, I mean out of the norm...allow me to elaborate.

I must assume now as my roommate has officially signed a lease for her and her fiance, that it is my undeniable lot in life to be a gypsy (one inclined to a nomadic, unconventional way of life). That's right kids, April must move again and this my friends if you can believe it will be the 12th time I've had to move in the past 5 years. This is making me uncomfortable. Perhaps this go around, I'll narrow my list of candidates to the absolutely un-marriable...no, un-datable...even better! Just kidding...but seriously!

Squeezed in between my worrying about where to live and who to live with if that, I've had to worry about a recent pay cut at work and some other transitions that have managed to weasle their way in to the good ol' worry machine.

Needless to say, but I'm gonna say it anyway...there is alot of junk changing. Back to the metaphor...I realized as Lily layed there in the most uncomfortable of positions, how unbelievably peacefully she was sleeping simply because she was near me...nay, near someone who takes care of her.

I need to be Lily in this scenario and the "me" in this methaphor is and always should be God. Call it an "after school special" moment, but it became clear to me that I haven't been resting peacefully in my provider's arms. Regardless of how uncomfortable my position may be, it shouldn't matter, because I get to be near the God of the Universe, right?!

Right!!

Looking forward to some peaceful sleep.

apes

Doctor Apes to the Rescue

2009-03-15T20:32:00.000-07:00

So,Lily has abusive relationships with all of her toys...case in point, Raff-e, her giraffe. Many a time, I've had to sew up gashes in Monkey or Piggy. Raff-e has even had a couple of surgeries, but this weekend Lily took her Chris Brown actin' self to a new level. Raff-e's leg was hangin' on by a mere thread and I tried desperately to save the leg as Lily looked on in anticipation. 2 minutes of stitching later and I had to make the call...the leg would have to go. The emergency amputation was a sucess...Raff-e is now the new and improved, 3-legged giraffe and from the looks of it, Lily has no intention of keeping any of his other limbs intact!

Raff-e in surgery

Lily patiently waiting for Raff-e to recover

The happy patient...till he's attacked again!

Happy Lily...up to her abusive behavior again...I guess Raff-e deserves it for his relentless squeaking:)

Dr. Apes

Are we all being punked?

2009-03-05T07:30:00.000-08:00

Countless times over the past couple of weeks, I keep thinking Ashton Kutcher himself is about to pop out of Octomom's belly to tell me that I'm being punked! The words, "You've got to be kidding me" have come out of my mouth more times than babies have come out of Octomom...okay, okay enough with the Octomom.

But, seriously, The Bachelor....you've got be kidding me!! Unbelievably ridiculous...how dare ABC distract me with it's Deanna embellished promos to trick me into believing that because Jason was done wrong, he has the right to do wrong. I wanted to whisper something under my breath too Melissa!!

Joaquin, seriously...no one believes you are quitting acting to become a rapper. You are walking the line between just plain ridiculous and seriously drugged up....you've got to be kidding me. Octomom...nuff said...I referred to her already. And, last, but certainly not least, Latreasa Goodman...calling 911 3 times to report a crime because you didn't get your chicken mcnuggets...YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! In case you haven't heard about this one folks, it's a doosy....I have the audio video here...

"She are the manager"...oh geez.

apes

Tonto! (translation: Stupid!)

2009-02-18T13:22:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, my favorite Dallas station, Movin' 107.5 mysteriously started playing all Spanish music. You would think being of Hispanic lineage, I would embrace it as a healthy move to target an exploding market, but alas I was not my friends...I was peeved!!!

So, now I am mourning my favorite mix of booty bumpin jams, old-school beats and funky oldies. 107.5 has still been preset for the past day, but after googling the call numbers and realizing it has in fact switched over, it must be deleted as I never want to visit that station again! Because let's face it...Shakira and Ricky Martin (pre-crossover to English) will not get the base line rattlin' through my trunk as Snoop Doggy Dogg and his friends once did.

Goodbye saaaweeet jams...goodbye.

apes

When I Grow Up

2009-02-11T11:46:00.000-08:00

For as long as I can remember, I've been sketching. I vividly remember as a kid just sitting on the couch drawing some Saturday mornings instead of watching my favorite cartoons. Life has gotten crazier since then and I have less and less time to be an artist, which is what I really wanted to be "when I grew up". I rarely show anyone my work for fear of criticism...but, I've been entertaining thoughts of pursuing my childhood aspiration again and that can't happen unless I share. So, here you go...a little piece of me...

apes

2009-02-05T22:03:00.001-08:00

I couldn't be happier at The Village Church and one of the countless reasons is because our pastor is not afraid to share his heart. Here is just a glimpse of who he is in a letter he wrote to his daughter for her 6th birthday...http://hv.thevillagechurch.net/blog/hvpastor/

Dogs Do It Everyday

2009-01-26T11:40:00.000-08:00

For years now, everytime I think about writing a blog entry, this line always pops into my head...dogs do it everyday. I have yet to figure out why and if it means anything at all. I think it actually might pop into my head everytime I write something lengthy, i.e. a letter or a journal entry.

So, as I sit here, uninspired on a blog entry, creepily saying to myself, dogs do it everyday...dogs do it everyday in a mantra-like fashion, I wonder...what do dogs do everyday??? Pee...poo...bark...play...think about how they have 4 legs and no arms...

Yeah...I don't know...maybe you can think of something genius for me.

Boo for nothing to write about...
apes

Booth Mates

2009-01-12T17:18:00.000-08:00

About a handful of times in my life, I've had the immense pleasure of being immersed in unusual circumstances wherein lie beautiful relationships that I would have never been able to form if not thrown into that given place or time. The past four days have been such a time as this.

9 months ago, I was employed by Sugarek Marketing Group. Little did I know, I was also being employed by Game Chef, a "spicy" little company specializing in seasonings for wild game. Thursday through Sunday, I had to work a trade show put on by the Dallas Safari Club, for Game Chef. I have to admit, I was dreading it...I mean, a room full of mounted animals, a sea of green and khaki draped hunters, a scope here, a safari there...you get the idea...and I was thinking of backing out.

I'm so glad I didn't. Thursday morning at 10 am, Lisa, Judy, Bob, Jude and Darla came to whisk me away in experience. We all became fast friends in a way only "booth mates", as Lisa would say in her intoxicating Australian accent, can. Somewhere between admiring Judy and Bob's envy-invoking Missouri love (they're 65 and 63 respectively, and it's a pleasure watching such love) and our afternoon tea time (thanks to Lisa's travel kettle), I realized what was happening. I often forget that every really good friendship and relationship begins with perfect strangers.

32 hours spent together later...more or less...and I was sad. Time began to whittle away at my heart as the booths were disassembled, as the stuffed deer and lions were hauled out and the quiet roar of people getting to know one another faded. We had sold all we could, but no price could be put on the deep admiration and care that had filled our souls. I've gone and gotten mushy, but I'm writing this a full day after not being with them. By now they are all in thier respective states and I miss them.

Here are some of what I hope to be first of many pictures together in the years to come...

All the girls...Judy, Lisa, Darla, me and Ames (she came on Sat. and Sun. to help me)

Lisa, me and Judy (isn't Judy a little hottie? Lisa and I kept
saying she was probably super hot in her younger days)

Another of us farther away in Lisa's booth

Judy, me and Bob...love them!

Bounce baby bounce, ba-bounce, ba-bounce...

2009-01-02T10:56:00.000-08:00

Nothin' like a little car dance party with Destiny's Child...Amy's filming is Cloverfield-esque!

apes

Proud Auntie

2008-12-28T22:17:00.000-08:00

Because, I haven't any siblings, I am the honorary auntie to Daniel James Cooper and I couldn't be prouder. A couple of weeks ago, he turned one. Last year, God timed it perfectly for me to be able to see Ames and Nick and their new little boy. I was on my way back from a trip to New York City and it just so happened I had to drive mere miles from the hospital as I was on my way back to Lubbock. It was such a wonderful moment to share with my best friend's! The first pic is the first time I held him and the second is 2 days after his first birthday. How could I not love this cute boy?!

We Could All be Britney

2008-12-05T09:27:00.000-08:00

Unless you haven't watched a single hour of television or surfed the web at all this week, you've seen Britney everywhere or at least heard something about her. They keep referring to this as her comeback...I guess cause' she's gotten so low in her personal life. The other night, I watched that documentary about her on MTV. As I was watching it I realized an underlying theme in her story...loneliness.

Afterwards, I felt really sorry for her. I think mostly because I realized her story of making unwise decisions could easily become mine or any 20-something young single woman's story as a result of the pressure of loneliness. If you really think about it, she's not that different from most young single women...dealing with the world's skewed idea that you need to be attached to someone in order to be fulfilled.

The other night, as I was driving home from spending Thanksgiving in San Antonio, this overwhelming feeling of loneliness attacked me...I didn't really have anyone waiting for me in Dallas...I mean, friends, yes, but not a guy waiting in eager anticipation. I have to be honest, if I wasn't under the amazing grace of God, I would have found some way to fill the loneliness...drinking, partying, giving into the hormones, ie. engaging in premarital sex...you get the idea. Anyhow, that's essentially what Britney did...she found things to fill the loneliness...an empty marriage, drinking, partying, etc.

As a result of this Britney comparison, two things happened...I became so grateful that God saved me from what I could be in my situation right now and I felt the need to pray for not only Britney, but the "Britney-look-alikes" out there...every 20 something single girl out there trying to fill the loneliness. I encourage you this week to encourage that group of saved and un-saved women alike and even men for that matter. I'm sure single guys go through the same thing.

I mean, a few wrong decisions and we could all be Britney, right?

apes

HSM

2008-12-02T07:30:00.001-08:00

So, I've officially given in to the teen craze that is High School Musical and as you can see by the acronymed title, I really like it...cause you only refer to it as HSM if your a freak and that I am my friends...an HSM freak!

It all started one cloudy Saturday afternoon when my roommate casually mentioned that she secretly always wanted to watch them...them, being HSM1 and HSM2...I took the opportunity to confess as well. We drove straight to Blockbuster and rented shamelessly. We sat their in our cave-like apartment watching all that is cheesy, not answering phone calls...staring at Zac Efron!!!

After that, it was hard not to want to break out in dance at any given moment. Fast forward to last night. We really wanted to see HSM3 in the theatre since we hadn't seen the other two on the big screen, but hardly any theatres were showing it anymore. Fortunately, there was one theatre in Plano that was showing it, so we drove to the 9:15 showing. I think Monday may be the slowest movie-watching night of the week...we had the entire theatre to ourselves and let me just tell you...it was magical. The dancing...the singing...the Zac Efron-ess (gasp...hawwwt!)

If you haven't given in...just give in...you know you wanna! I'm going to burst into a choreographed dance right now...see ya!!!

apes

What's a Road Trip Without a Trip to the ER?

2008-11-11T08:02:00.000-08:00

Steph and I had a lot of fun road trippin' it to Lubbock this weekend. We saw some sweet friends, went to the Tech game...and had one heck of an unplanned visit to the ER. So, if we happened to not be able to see any of you dear friends whilst we were there, it was because we were deeply investing our time in the UMC emergency room.

Saturday night, amidst our victorious chants at the football game, Steph started having some sharp pains to the right of her belly button. She mentioned it briefly in the description of a side stitch, but being the trooper that she is, she just let it go. Around midnight, as we were laying in bed, she said it was starting to get worse. Neither one of us knew what to do, so we just proceeded to sleep...well, at least I did.

Around 2:30am, Steph woke me up to tell me that she hadn't been to sleep yet and was ready to go to the ER, because she was scared she had appendisitus. So, Steph, myself and her parents all got dressed and headed to UMC. Long story short, a couple of blood tests, one CT scan and a lot of unexplained pain later, Steph was released. It was 9am when we left the hospital, 6 hours later, and none of us had slept. Steph was feeling much better and the doctor said she should be fine, but just to watch for any pain in the next couple of days. We headed back to her parent's house and slept for most of the day.

Thankfully, we were able to joke about the whole thing. We even had some pretty good laughs at the ER...it's funny what's funny when you're deliriously tired. Here are a couple of our game pics from before the "appendix incident"......GO TECH...I love being alumni!

apes

Mmmm...

2008-11-06T21:09:00.000-08:00

...in less than 24 hours, I will be in Lubbock, Texas...quite possibly the most magical place on earth. I am indeed a happy girl.

apes

Knee-Driving

2008-10-27T06:51:00.000-07:00

Most times, I find knee-driving to be extremely dangerous. However, yesterday as I utilized this thigh strengthening maneuver, I recognized its helpfulness in the following three scenarios.

1. Changing. And, puuleeese, re-inhale that gasp...you know you've done it before.

2. Booty-dancing. Shakin' your bum in the car is pretty much impossible, so in these cases, you must flail both of your arms about as a crazy person in order to make up for the inability to drop it like it's hot.

3. Eating chips and queso. Knee-driving is, in my opinion, most fulfilling in this scenario as you can hold the queso in one hand and dip the delicious chip with the other all while reaching your desired destination in a timely fashion and impressing the safe drivers around you.

Please knee-drive responsibly...

apes

Distribution of Passion

2008-10-20T20:54:00.000-07:00

I just realized I hadn't blogged in two whole weeks...I still can't believe it's been that long. I tried to think what could possibly be taking up so much of my time that I haven't a blasted minute to indulge my readers (insert ponder here)....I quickly figured it out.........College football, ABC and the Village Church.

I am currently obsessed with college football...particularly Texas Tech football. I have spent nearly every Saturday heating up queso, staying in my pajamas and watching football games like a freakin' dude. Alumni...what, what!

I am also ridiculously over-committed to television. Last night, someone asked me what shows I watch. Here's what came out of my mouth...Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice, Pushing Daisies, Eli Stone, Extreme Makeover Home Edition, Brothers and Sisters, Samantha Who, Lipstick Jungle, The Hills and Project Runway. Project Runway is gone now so I can strike that, but in 2 weeks the gaping hole will be replaced with 30 Rock and then another will be added in January when Lost returns in all of its gloriousness. And, what's so crazy about this list is that I have seen every episode of every season of every one of these shows and that half of them are on ABC. Oh, how I love thee ABC!

With all of the tv watching, you may be wondering if I'm even a believer at all anymore...what with seemingly zero time to engage in a church community. But, alas my dear friends, the Village actually takes up more than all of that put together. I know I mentioned it vaguely in a previous post, but I've managed to stumble into a small group of girls so deeply engaged in discipleship that it makes me feel like I'm sitting in a Challenge group in the great atmosphere of Lubbock all over again. They have been a much needed answer to a sometimes frustrated prayer. The Village loves discipleship and it makes me feel like I'm home again.

Hope that got you up to speed. I'll have some new material to blog about in the coming days...here's a teaser. I am supposed to attend a "Hick-Hop" dance party with the very famous baker, Lindy Means, this Friday night. Tell me that doesn't get you excited for a re-cap post!!

Later,
apes

The Cinematic Orchestra

2008-10-07T12:20:00.000-07:00

For the past 3 days, I haven't stopped listening to The Cinematic Orchestra (Cinematic Orchestra). Part of me can't believe I haven't heard them before, but then again, they are categorized under the acid jazz genre...not appealing at first glance.

There are certain artists that move me to creative productivity and reflection...they are one of them. Stumble upon them if you get a chance. Start with the track "To Build a Home" from Ma Fleur and then listen to the Everyday cd or the Ma Fleur cd...they are both great.

Enjoy,

apes

Sometimes I Forget

2008-09-29T07:10:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, it was baptism time at The Village...I mean, they don't call it "Baptism Time"...they just don't do it every Sunday, so it was special. One of the girls in my new small group was being baptized and I was so glad to be able to watch her make her "PSA for Christ" (public service announcement;)

I remember the day I got baptized. It was May 1st, 1994. I was 12 and I was some kinda Jesus freak...I'm not kidding...I was always talking about it and to whoever would listen...I'm pretty sure I got my black and white Shi-tzu, Duke, to give his little doggie life over to the Lord:)

Sitting there yesterday, listening to the sweet testimonies of 6 people before their immersion was so sweet. I tried to remember what I said at 12...not being much of a public speaker at that age...my nerves grabbed hold tight and all I could really muster up was something along the lines of, "Jesus Rocks!"...not my finest moment, but it spurred on quite a bit of laughter.

I remember exactly how I felt that day. Yesterday, after all 6 had engaged in that beautiful symbolism, Matt said something that kind of resonated with me...when Christ reveals Himself to you, why would you choose any other way?

I really don't know why anyone would choose any other way once that happens and I love that I don't know. I would almost opt to use the word lucky in this case, but I don't like the word lucky, because luck is just a word created to mask what is really happening...God's favor. Thinking about how 17 years ago at the very young age of 9, Christ really took hold of my heart, all that I can express in words is overwhelming thankfulness. Sometimes I forget where I am...sometimes I forget how long it's been since I came alive in Christ...sometimes I just forget how to behave like that happened.

Remembering...
apes

Bahahahahahaha!!!

2008-09-18T07:21:00.000-07:00

One of the funniest commercial parodies I've seen on SNL in a long time...the dog part is a little out of control, but the whole thing is still really funny...I still laugh everytime I watch it! Oh, and after you press play, just pause it again for a couple seconds so it can download a bit so it won't skip:)

Refreshed in Memory

2008-09-02T11:30:00.000-07:00

Every now and again, a sweet memory will replay vividly in my mind in response to a smell or a sound or a song. Whatever the case may be, I love it when it happens...like God scribbled it down on a post-it note and left it somewhere tucked away for me to find. I found it last week, the memory that is, and it moved me to change.

I think it was the way the air smelt that day coupled with the way the leaves were moving on the ground. It took me back to Lubbock, nearly four years ago and reminded me of how my life began to change in a way I never imagined. I remember driving down University, watching the trees sway in the ever-present breeze and not soon enough reaching my destination.

I turned the corner of that crazy Coffee Haus and saw Amy Cooper's smiling spirit. She was ready for our quiet time. Every morning before class, we would sit and have our quiet time separately, but at the same table and then we would talk about what God had just revealed or had been collectively revealing to us. The countless times we did so, stirred such a radical change in my heart...to be better, to study the Word harder, to act on what I was charged with.

Every time Amy and I parted ways, I wasn't thinking about me or about Amy. I was thinking about how I could develop a stronger relationship with Christ. I think there are few people who can leave you like that. And, even now, everytime I leave Amy & Nick, I feel the same way...tallying up the ways I need to change to further the kingdom.

In that moment, God really shook me into reflection. Am I being one of those people? Someone who makes others want to change for the better? Who encourages others when I don't even say anything? And even more illuminating...am I shaping into a woman worthy of what I'm holding out for...a man who can be a spiritual leader?

In the mere minutes it took to recount that memory, God gave me some perspective on my relationships. Plain and simple, I need to be that person...the one who I admire so much...the one who can make me think deep and want to press deep into Christ. In the midst of all this, a close friend and I were talking on the phone the other night and I gave her this one piece of advice in regards to all relationships...

If you leave time spent with someone and feel like glorifying that person, reduce the time you spend with that person. But, if you leave time spent with someone and feel like glorifying God, increase the amount of time you spend with that person and learn how to be that for everyone you meet.

Changing...

apes

Lily

2008-08-22T09:53:00.000-07:00

I forgot to mention some 2 months ago that when I acquired a roommate and a new place, by the transitive property, I also acquired the cutest puppy in the entire world...Lily.

She likes to eat worms off of the sidewalk. She will lick your face forever. She likes to poop in my bathroom nearly every other day...she won't poop in Amy's bathroom ever cause she gets in trouble and I am basically a pushover and let her do whatever she wants. She's a hard core snuggler. She's adorable and I love her. I give you Lily, the miniature dachshund that stole my heart!

Running the Race

2008-08-12T07:24:00.000-07:00

If you know you me at all, you know I'm not much of a cryer...it takes a lot to make my eyes sweat, but for some reason the weirdest things will just get me. Case in point...the Olympics.

I was in my car last week and I heard this commercial on the radio advertising the Olympic opening ceremony....the music pitch perfectly dramatic...the voice so commanding...and I freakin started crying. It actually kind of surprised me how emotional I got.

Well, it was only the beginning. I seem to be more emotional with every passing event. And, I got to thinking about why it hits me so hard and I figured it out. It's the coming together of people so culturally different yet so alike in the pursuit of one goal...perfection.

It makes me think about the beauty of Christ and how so many people can unite under the covering of his blood...despite any cultural or political differences...for one goal...to look more and more like our PERFECT Saviour.

The Olympics always get me charged up to do what I ought...run the race as hard as I can. Sometimes I get tired. Sometimes I get lazy. Sometimes I forget I'm in a race at all. The Olympics have placed a healthy amount of conviction on my soul about being more disiplined in my daily focus on the task at hand...to represent effectively who Christ has made me through Him!

The sweetness of it all is that He won the gold for me already. All I have to do is stand on the podium and give Him the glory.

Just fo' Fun

2008-08-06T08:08:00.000-07:00

This weekend in Lubbock, some peeps and I got to talking about our fave cartoons from back in the hey day...here's one of my faves. As soon as I heard the music, I was 20 years younger, wishing I was chillin' with Dewey, Huey and Louie and swimming in Scrooge McDuck's vault o' money...

Ducktales, ah woooo oooooo!

The Devil's Temperature

2008-08-04T12:22:00.000-07:00

107 degrees + stupid 21st century pant of choice known as jeans + no tint on windows because driver is cheap = THE DEVIL'S TEMPERATURE!

Bad things come in triple digits...

Too hot to blog...

Till cool...

peace.

The Uncommitted

2008-07-21T20:13:00.000-07:00

because sometimes I don't know how to express it any other way...

The Uncommitted

You with your shady eyes and your flakey stares
coupled in harmony with your poisoned mouth
that spouts off "I'll do thats" and "I'll be theres".

You push me over with your hot, self-infused air
making me slip farther and deeper into pending
wondering if the tick-tocks, you'll ever render shared.

This oneth of a oneth of an hour,
you gave me the sipping device
that finally made that two-humped desert taxi lose it's power.

With it's break, I found my strength
no longer to masochistically hope
that your luke-warm tongue inflicting pain

will ever again trick me into queing
every hanger holding upward frown
I've held in from all the stewing.

Say what you mean and mean what you say
makes you cringe as you stare in it's mirrored phrase
loathing the truth in it's utter cliche.

The uncommitted
they're everywhere, they're everywhere
leaving a messy residue with their flakey stares.

Just for the Record...

2008-07-14T08:27:00.000-07:00

It has been brought to my attention that the deep and sometimes darkened nature of my posts has left a shadow of unbelief that I am indeed a happy girl.

I apologize if it seems as though it has become a "complaint board", because that was never and will never be my intention. I struggle...plain and simple...and have yet to find a solitary human being here who has enough of my confidence to voice my struggles to and to feel assured that whoever that may be will jack me up when I need to be jacked up or hug me until I can breathe again.

Therefore...just for the record...I am indeed a happy girl. More often than not, I simply choose not to blog about rainbows when I would rather blog about the rain.

I really am sorry it's been so stormy here...I feel a rainbow on the horizon.

Unrecognizable

2008-07-07T08:51:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, God broke me down by shining a light on the mess I've made. Without getting too intimate and for lack of a summarized explanation, I will simply say...I feel as though I've lost my influence in one of my friendships.

In an attempt to "go with the flow", I compromised myself and in the process became an accomplice to the unwise decisions my friend has decided to make.

So, now I'm standing in front of the mirror and I feel unrecognizable. Here's my question and one I probably won't get an answer to until I just trial and error the situation...how do you get your influence back in a relationship when the other person finds comfort in that loss? I mean, I know you can, but I fear I'm in for a whole heck of a lot of pain, you know?

Yesterday, I realized my friend was at the bottom of the ladder and pulled me down pretty fast from the top. But in the aftermath, as I am still unrecognizable, tirelessly searching for my cloak of spiritual strength, wanting to hide in it's warmth...God decided to meet me at the bottom of the ladder to help me get back up.

As I finish this very revealing post, I ask of you one thing...that you of like mind and faith would tell me when I've become unrecognizable...

I miss accountability...it aches in my soul.

Dang Song!

2008-07-03T11:42:00.000-07:00

Okay, so she kissed a girl and she liked it...but I still really like her cd. Of course, I'm referring to Katy Perry. If you haven't heard of her, I'm assuming you've been hiding under a rock, because her single, "I Kissed a Girl", is number one on the charts right now.

That stupid song...I hate it because I don't agree with it morally, and yet it's so freakin catchy that I keep singing it....ahhhhhh! This morning, I heard her on Kidd Kraddick, whom I love, so I decided to listen to her entire album. It's sassy and humorous...likened to Lily Allen minus the british accent.

I like it...the whole dang thing.....judge me if you will, but listen to it first. The other 11 tracks are fun and besides, I know you caught yourself singing it the other day in the car!

Julie Andrews...will you sing this for me?

2008-06-25T12:32:00.000-07:00

So, Emily and her friend, Holly, had the idea for a handful of peeps to blog a list of ten of our "must-haves" or as Julie Andrews would say...a few of my favorite things in no order whatsoever.

1. my sketchbook
my secret passion...something I've been doing since I was 5 years old...i hide in it sometimes to remind me of me

2. crosswords
I know, I'm a grandma...but I'm preventing dementia by doing so, and I'll be laughing at you all when you can't remember anything...ha suckas! Oh, and I do them so often, I only use pen.

3. guitar hero
and Rock Band for that matter, but the former will always be my first love cause' Amy Cooper and I go crazy over "One" by Metallica

4. felicity
If I were an addict, Felicity would be my drug of choice. It's gotten me through some hard times and I'm proud to say I've watched all 4 seasons completely through at least 5 times...yeah, that good!

5. movie popcorn

I don't even know how to explain my obession with this one...here goes. Popcorn is my favorite food...I'd eat it all the time if I could and I've been known to eat it as a meal on more than 100 occasions. My mom also shares this crazy passion...we love movie popcorn so much that we used to go to the movies, buy popcorn and leave just to have it at home:) (and yes, I put up Keri Russell from Felicity eating popcorn)

6. rhapsody

I have reason to believe Rhapsody kicks itunes in the face and other unmentionable parts. It keeps me connected to all things musically delicious.

7. the elliptical machine

keeping me bootylicious since 2004

8. iced coffee

from anywhere...Starbucks, Dunkin Donuts, McDonalds...it's amazing!

9. the straightening iron
I no longer have to wash my hair every single minute thanks to this little puppy.

10. post-it notes
Oh, you little color-coded emulicified keepers of my thoughts!

Quarter-Life Crisis

2008-06-12T13:13:00.000-07:00

I'm completely convinced that our 20's will be the most difficult time in our lives. I'm a little over half way through them and it still feels like the heartache, loneliness and confusion remain victorious in their relentless pursuit to beat me to an emotional pulp.

I'm also convinced you can't avoid it...you simply have to cling to the hope that Christ will simply get you through them and on the other side with an increased amount of self-realization.

So, in order to remind myself of that far-off outcome in the midst of the chaos, I decided to write some notes to my future self, which you actually can do at FutureMe.org...just type em' in and set a date...here's one of mine...

Dear December 12th Future Me (6 months away),
Remember 6 months ago when you moved to Dallas, because you hated Lubbock, but then totally ended up hating Dallas too? Well, bask in all that is good now, because you know you totally love it now. Just remember from here on out that no decision you make on your own is a poor decision.

You better be in a better job or at least have tried super hard to get one. You also better be admiring your Charlie Brown christmas tree you didn't put up last year during another seemingly large crisis...unemployment. Now, see you got out of that didn't you?! Remember to buy mom and dad something really great for Christmas since they basically snatch you out of danger with their crazy grace everytime you decide to take a leap without looking.

Start packing for your super-sweet New Year's Vegas trip and please remember that you are prone to addictive behavior...try not to do anything that future future you wouldn't like, but have a kick a@# time! Tell everyone you love that you really do...it's worth it.

Yours,
Jacked-up and confused present April

Likened to a Snarling Dog

2008-06-05T20:36:00.000-07:00

So, you know how I told you vaguely how I met this stranger at my apartment complex who was ready and willing to take over my lease? Well, he backed out!

This happened a little over a week ago, but I wasn't sure I was ready to blog about it...the anger may have come out in words too inappropriate for your dear eyes. I guess now I'm ready. Long story short, I'm screwed. Okay, maybe I'm not fully over it. I had already signed a lease at a new apartment by the time he decided to back out on me. So, now I'm stuck with a big fat breaking my lease fee...I won't even tell you how much it is...it might hurt your eyes more than the inappropriate words I was talking about using.......yeah, that bad!

The reason I decided to share is because twice in one day, I heard the following phrase..."Well, it just goes to show that you can't trust ANYONE". In the heat of moment, I think I nodded, but I got to thinking...what makes someone such a cynic?? Then I got to really thinking...am I a cynic? Sometimes I know I am. Sometimes I wish I were...just to make me a little harder...a little less sensitive...a little less trusting.

I looked up the word cynic and my favorite definition was "resembling that of a snarling dog". It made sense to think of quite possibly the most loyal animal on the planet becoming angry and totally distrusting. That's a cynic. That's what happened to this world...no one trusts anyone anymore. What ever happened to "my word is stronger than oak"?

I don't know...maybe I should have been a cynic in the apartment scenario. But, I don't want to be likened to a snarling dog, no matter how much money I have to pay for believing in the good nature of human beings. Maybe that makes me naive...gullible even...but...

...isn't that what it's all about anyway? Giving someone else the confidence that you believe they can be better than they've chosen to be and still believing in them even when they choose not to?

That's the Gospel suckas...straight up love and grace!

Moobs

2008-06-03T15:28:00.000-07:00

Today on the MSN home page, one of the little subtitles was "Tips to Getting Rid of 'moobs'". I laughed so hard my "landles" hurt......love handles;)

Seeing without Believing

2008-05-20T13:34:00.000-07:00

I love television and movies...particularly drama-based series...anything that involves scripted lives inter-mingling with unpredictable and sometimes catastrophic events. I've been thinking a lot about it, only because after watching such a program, I'm almost always left with a sense of inspiration.

Here's what does it for me. These people in their make believe lives always seem to be able to say exactly what they mean...even if they don't say it at first, they say it eventually. They're always so brave in their actions and more often than not, end up throwing caution to the wind in pursuit of those actions. Additionally, we, the viewers, are always optimistic that the beloved characters' lives will end up well, no matter how hard they get hit with the bad...no matter what unsurmountable mountain they must climb to get there...we believe...because of one thing...

HOPE. Hope that the survivors of Oceanic flight 815 will be rescued...hope that Meredith and Derek will live happily ever after......tear-provoking, adrenaline-pumping hope!

So, all that being said, here's what I've been thinking about. Why is it that in our own lives, especially as believers, we can set aside time every week to guzzle up all the hope we can in more than one television show or even a movie and yet not believe what we see? What I mean is, how are our lives not so much more hope-filled than these fictional characters' lives?

Why can't we see that hope for us has illuminated infinitely into faith? I've been more than a little convicted about this and hear me when I say that I'm not going to stop watching television...it's too fantastic. But, also hear me when I say that from now on I'll be watching it with my very own UN-FICTIONAL hope in mind.

So, the next time you see something that is of this world and it manages to move you in some way, believe...believe that what you feel at that moment is immeasurably smaller than what we we can feel when we simply cling to the fact that we believe in what cannot be seen!!

The Week in Short Blurbs

2008-05-14T07:12:00.000-07:00

Every now and again, when I journal, I write down one sentence explanations for stories that will ultimately be better re-told from my mouth or re-envisioned in my mind. They are such crazy stories that written word could do no justice, simply because they need my animated ridiculousness paired with it. The following is such a list...

1. Drove to Ft. Worth alone to meet people I didn't know (and who could have possibly turned out to be crazy) to sell the four-legged chocolate love of my life of four days...
2. In an irritated trip to the apartment office to break my lease after 3 months, met another irritated resident who is suprisingly willing to sublet my apartment...
3. Freaked out for 24 hours from giving a stranger my apartment number and phone number...what was I thinking?!
4. Made my future roommate, Amy, come over to spend the night just in case I needed a witness to my death, because the strange other resident was coming over...
5. I'm still alive and so is Amy, although it was a little touch and go...

Zoe has a new home and Amy and I are going apartment shopping on Sunday...my parents would so not be proud of my trusting ways...

Zoe...my 4 day gift!

2008-05-06T13:06:00.000-07:00

Here's a story about a silly girl named April who bought a chocolate lab on Saturday and who is interviewing her potential families this evening...Tuesday...4 days later!! Now that I look back on it, I really don't know how it happened. It was all kind of a blur...excitedness, fear, confusion...all running together in the moment.

The funny thing is that I thought I was ready...like, really ready. I had been thinking about it for months, even before I moved to Dallas. Monday night, I took her, Zoe, on a long walk and when I came back to the apartment, somewhere between cooking fajita meat and heating up rice, I just lost it. I broke down for the first time in a long time...I haven't cried in months...

I left and took her to a friend's house to get some perspective. I realized very quickly that I can't do this...have a puppy...wake up at 3 in the morning...sacrifice my time for her. It was the weirdest realization ever, because it was so not how I thought I was going to react. I love animals...I mean I used to want to be a vet.

I tried to figure out why it was so hard. It wasn't her...she's doing great...potty training, listening, sleeping in her crate...I just wasn't ready to be unselfish. I'm still trying to accept the fact that I'm not ready to give up my freedom...my nights out with friends till the wee hours of the morning...my sleeping through the night...my super clean house. It's been a rough 2o hours for me, but God showed me some pretty big things in the midst of it all.

1. As much as I wail about baby fever, I'm not nearly ready to be there.
2. I make too many decisions based on emotion.
3. I bought Zoe, because I am unhappy, sad and lonely and I thought she could change that, but I've got some conversations to have between myself and God about why I'm really unhappy.

It's funny sometimes how God uses very simple and innocent things to illuminate your deepest struggles. So, I'm counting Zoe as a gift, no matter how sad I am that I couldn't be what she needed. Pray I find a good family for her.

Till next time...
apes

Hanging Up My Wings?

2008-04-29T14:44:00.000-07:00

I'm bored...flat out, undeniably bored. Everyday I go to work and have interaction with only one other person, my boss. Then, I go home, make a meal for one, workout, read, watch a little tv and then go to bed. I wake up the next day and do it all over again...5 days out of the week. Of course, there is the off occasion that I actually see a friend during the week, but even then, it's usually only once. Weekends are the complete opposite, flooded with interaction and every day during the week, I long for the weekend...not much different from every other person on the planet.

If you're reading this, you know I'm the social butterfly...the epitome of the extrovert. I mean, my love language is quality time, for crying out loud. I've been thinking alot about my job and if it's really worth it. Is it worth not developing friendships all day?...Is the fact that I don't have a commute canceled out by the fact that I don't have co-workers to banter with?...Am I losing my influence, because I have no one to influence all day?...Am I destined to hang up my little social butterly wings?...Or is it enough of a sign to get out?

I don't know...maybe everyone deals with this...but I can honestly say I've never been so lonely in my entire life. And you'd think I'd be good at this growing up an only child and all, but I'm having a heck of a time...

I'm not asking for an answer...I just like to vent, electronically......

Till next time...

Dreaming of Corn

2008-04-22T07:46:00.000-07:00

Last night, I dreamt that McDonald's started serving Indian corn instead of french fries. I'm talking about the corn that you color pictures of in Elementary...the kind that comes in different colors that you stick in your cornucopia...yeah, I was furious...seriously, who wants corn with their chicken nuggets?!

Anyhow, I looked up some stupid dream interpretation thing...just for fun...and it said that to dream of corn signifies growth, abundance or fertility.......whatever! I'll let you know if that pans out...for now, I'm going to get me some big fat nasty french fries! I never knew how much I loved those golden, delicious, grease-saturated sticks of goodness until they were threatened to be replaced in my subconscious....

Oh, and FYI, you can totally order a "Bucket o' fries" at McDonald's?!? It's not on the menu, but if you ask for it they give you a biggie biggie size cup full of fries...it's freakin awesome!!

Ode to the Trash Chute

2008-04-15T20:52:00.000-07:00

I sing to you oh metal encased, odorous hole
carrying old receipts and other various waste
down into your deep and daily darkened soul
and gobbling up whatever is offered without haste.

I love your little OPEN button so red
and how when I kick it hard with my worn shoe
your cold steel mouth descends ready to be fed.

I especially like how on our most recent visit
you decided to provide me with some comic relief
when you pulled my phone into your stinky pit
and filled me with overwhelming grief.

To your surprise, I had to meet you face to face
3 floors below just to see if I could get it back
sorry about reaching into your stomachy place
but, my dear trash chute, stealing my phone was super whack!!

Confessions

2008-04-10T10:38:00.000-07:00

1. I'm obsessed with Jane Austen

2. I am now obsessed with The Jane Austen Book Club, a movie about people who are also obsessed with Jane Austen..."All Austen all the time!"

3. I currently have a warrant out for my arrest in Lubbock county...gosh, I need to take care of that ticket...note to note to note to self.....don't worry, it's not as bad as it sounds. I basically just have to pay it:)

4. Sometimes I eat chips and queso for dinner

5. I like to go to the movies to pick up movie popcorn and take it home

6. I've gone to the movies at least 15 times by myself...one time I went to see a really scary movie and I was the only one in there the entire time. It was pretty freaky.

7. I like to go work out so I can watch cable...I usually plan my work outs around The Hills or Rob&Big or America's Next Best Dance Crew. I owe my sore calves to the NCAA championship game...thank you overtime and go Kansas!!!

8. I haven't vacuumed my apartment in over a month, because I don't own a vacuum...gross, right?

9. I'm thinking about buying a dog today...before I have a couch or a blender or plates...who needs rational thinking anyway!!!

10. I have baby fever...don't worry, I'm not gonna go steal one. I always say that if I'm not married by the time I'm thirty, I'm having a baby out of wedlock. I know what you're thinking...April, just adopt...but, that takes one other thing I've never done out of the equation and I need that too. I'm only half kidding of course...I'm sure Daniel James Cooper is the only reason I want a baby...he's so adorable! Think I'm gonna stick with a puppy!

"Columbus-ing It"

2008-04-07T12:11:00.000-07:00

So, you know how small dogs usually think they're bigger than they are and pull the overcompensating yapping thing? OR how single young professional women puff up their independence by swiftly swinging in front of the guy on the street so they can open the door for themselves? Well, that's me in a nutshell! If I was a dog, I'd be a chihuahua...and I "accidentally" open all of my own doors on an hourly basis...and I'm fessing up to it.

I guess my "small dog complex" came along pretty much when I reached my max height of 5 foot zero freakin inches. The independence came a little later, more towards my junior year of college...the part where I had never gone on a date...that'll shake some independence into you!

So, thanks to the shortness and the boyfriendlessness...I am the Apes that you have come to know and love...the girl who skydives because she's bored, the girl who moves her queen-size sleigh bed all by herself because she's too prideful to ask for help, and well, you can fill in the rest...

I'm never really aware of these combo-characteristics until they get me into trouble...and here comes the story. Thursday, I was bored, which is usually how my adventures begin. I've been eyeing a park behind my apartments for the past couple of weeks and decided to "Columbus it"...my made up word for exploring:)

I found a nice, little, pavemented walking trail and began to stroll behind a cute litte brown-haired gal with her baby...it wasn't doin' it for me until I saw this faint patch of beaten down grass to the left. It was a nature trail and so of course, I took it...in my shorts and my ankle socks...soooo dumb!

Everything was going great...you know...birds chirping, a nice river to the left, ducks, lots of forest.........a freaky rustling to the left...nowhere to run or hide! I totally froze and saw the fattest nastiest black snake ever slither into the water. I thought I peed my pants but, I didn't have time to check so I just cussed internally and ran like a banchie! And that my friends was my Thursday evening...

I think I might let someone open a door for me this week.......

Home

2008-03-31T17:54:00.000-07:00

So this past Saturday was my 26th birthday, which was amazing! I went to dinner on Friday evening with Steph Pearce (my freakin twin), James Evans, Jamie Long, Marc & Sarah Uptmore, Ryan Amundson, Stephanie Orr, Amy Murrell, Chris Gorman and Craig Vogler. I wouldn't normally put people's last names on here, but I wanted to emphasize the "Nine30 Reunion-esque" of it all. As I was sitting there with them all, I realized how much I missed us all being in the same room together...

Each and everyone of them, I'd met at Nine30 in Lubbock and the last time we were sitting in a room together, we were probably listening to Nick Cooper or Ben Cooper talk about the ins and outs of discipleship. Sitting there, laughing, talking...I felt like I was home again...like I'd never left that partitioned-off, usually blazing hot room in First Baptist...where we had all CHOSEN to be. I was home.

Home is a funny thing...I looked it up of course...my fave definitions are...
1. A valued place regarded as a refuge or place of origin
2. The place where something is discovered, founded, developed, or promoted; a source

I've moved alot in my life...13 times so far...9 of which were all in Lubbock!! But, I never feel like where I reside is my home. I found my home when I worshipped with my dearest friends in the sanctuary of First Baptist...when we went out to lunch every Sunday...when we stayed up way too late at the Long house...when we ate pancakes at Kelsey's or at Marc, Austin & Landon's house...when we sat and slept on a bus for hours on end to work our hearts out in California...when we took oaths that we kept even when they hurt...when we met our running mates for life in this gigantic race towards eternity.

A little over 4 years ago, I was just being introduced to my home...I'd never met any of my closest friends. I'm so thankful that the relationships formed then are intact and thriving still...that in another 4 years or 10 years or 20, we'll all still be able to pick up right were we left off and still be caring for one another.

It was the best birthday I've had yet...a sweet reminder of life to come and that even when everything can change in a year...Christ manages to keep the most important things to us constant!

I wish I could have had tons others there with me to celebrate...Ames, Nick, Daniel, Ali, Ben, Mel, Kailee, Keri, Lex & Leah and too many others to name, but I want you all to know that I love you so much...you feel like home to me!!

Yeah you found my new site...

2008-03-27T15:08:00.000-07:00

good job, add my new site to your friends list, do it now!

Talk soon...
apes